Justifying Death
by Sagi-chan
Summary: Kuwabara finally understands the true meaning of being a Reikai Tentai. And... it scares him


**Disclaimer:** _I don't own the fandom or the characters. Leave me alone._   
**Kuroi-chan's disclaimer:** _The nickname 'Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That and she'll nag me into yelling at you._

**AN** _This isn't exactly the fic I promised this week, but I wanted to write it. So, it's not the song fic due out this weekend, it's another Kuwabara fic. Weird how I seem to be writing a lot of them lately, huh? This is also a challenge to myself in leaning how to write in a certain POV. There will probably be others like this if this one is well received. _

**Title:** _Justifying Death_   
**Summary:** _Kuwabara finally understands the true meaning of being a Reikai Tentai. And he doesn't like it._   
**Length:** _1000 words_   
**Genre:**_ general/angst_   
**POV:** _Kuwabara_

It had just occurred to him, out of nowhere really. Nothing had made him think of it, nothing had reminded him of a past observation. But the fact of what he was – suddenly hit him.

And it scared him.

Officially, he was a Reikai Tentai, a Spirit Detective.

Unofficially, he was a killer. A murderer.

He had never thought of it that way before. What he did, the job he held, was killing.

His three best friends were demons. The girl he loved was a demon. What was it the made them any different from the demons he spent his time killing. Was it because he knew them? Because he had spent time with them and gotten to understand their personalities?

He knew that Hiei wanted to kill him. It's not like the Hi-youkai made any secret of the fact.

He knew that Kurama didn't think highly of him. The thousand year old Youko thought lowly of pretty much all Ningen, it didn't matter that he had strong spirit energy.

He thought that Yusuke liked him; he had cried enough tears over his expense. But sometimes, it was hard to tell if the half Toushin's insults were meant as teasing or if they were merely insults.

And Yukina was truly a kind demon. She cared about everybody, regardless of what world they had been born into. The gentle soul probably cared for Koenma too, even though he was a demi-god.

But, did the fact that he knew those demons justify the fact that he killed other demons? How many had he killed so far, hundreds? Thousands? Were they truly mindless beings with only blood and power on their mind? Or did some of them have families, emotions, and goals.

It was with surprising fear that he realized he didn't know. And that he hadn't ever cared. To him, the world was very black and white, that's the way he had been raised. Good and Evil. Yin and Yang. Life was simple when there weren't gray areas.

But there were gray areas.

Yusuke was a gray area. Hiei, and Yukina, and Kurama, and Botan, and Koenma and countless others were gray areas. What was it that made them better?

Could demons be anything other than demons?

At first, Kurama had convinced him that, yes, demons could have gentle souls. But he later realized that inside the quite and calm human body there was an angry and vengeful Youko soul.

Hiei had convinced him that no, demons were heartless and cruel. That the only thing they cared about was power and the fight. But he had later come to realize that underneath Hiei's tough exterior was a very lost soul. It was hard to see, and harder even to reach. Hiei's soul, though angry and vengeful, was more lonely than it was anything else.

Yukina was a lonely soul too, that much was very easy to realize. The Red Pinky String that bound their hearts together was also thrummed as though the small Ice Maiden was searching for a friend. But she, unlike Hiei, wasn't vengeful or angry. She was just lonely. Nothing more, and nothing less.

And Yusuke, Yusuke was hard to determine. He found out that even Koenma couldn't decide if Yusuke was Yin or Yang. Black or White. Good or Evil. He made bad choices, but truly cared about many things.

Where other demons like that?

Empty shells, vengeful spirits or lonely souls?

He remembered Yusuke once saying something to a demon they were about to fight. Or maybe he had said it, it was hard to remember.

"That girl is a demon right, so doesn't that make you cousins?"

Did it? Did the fact that he killed demons mean that he was killing off members of Yusuke's, and Hiei's, and Kurama's families? Did it mean that with each drop of blood that he spilt he was ending the life of somebody related to somebody he knew. Who mourned over the life of a dead demon?

Kurama did, he was quite sure. And so did Hiei and Yukina. It wasn't obvious, but he was sure that they did. They got angry if it was unjustified, they became quiet if it was.

Byakko. Kuwabara himself had been attempting to kill the giant White Tiger. He had nearly succeeded twice. But the one to deliver the final blow hadn't been himself.

Why had he been so angry over the fact that a demon had killed another demon he himself had been trying to kill? Wasn't that hypocrisy? He had sworn revenge for the soul he had been trying to steal, for the life he had been trying to end. Was that logical?

Dozens of demons had died in front of his own two eyes, but he hadn't even twitched. He just made stupid comments and went about on his way. Was that wrong?

Somebody had just _died._ Their life had ended and their soul departed for the next world. His own soul was going to make the journey. Was it less meaningful when it was a demon instead of a Ningen? If so, why? What made a Ningen life worth more than a demon life? Who was allowed to judge the worth of a life?

If Hiei killed him, Hiei would be sentenced to either life in prison or death. But if he killed Hiei, the punishment would be much less. Why?

Why did such a thing like that exist? One cannot choose who they are going to be born as. At the same time, one cannot choose what they are going to be born as. It was luck of the draw.

Kuwabara sighed, staring at the dark ceiling of his bedroom. He had spent the entire night thinking up questions, but had found no answers. He only knew that he didn't really want to be a Reikai Tentai any more. Not if it meant taking life away and being a killer.

Now that he thought about it, it was cruel.

AN Remember to read all disclaimers at the top of the page. Feed back is loved. I'm cold right now so send me a review to make me happy. ^__^ Ja.


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